The Black Book
by inupup92
Summary: What if Naruto brings a certain book that leads to disaster in relationships? What if it leads to certain consequences...and surprises at the end....
1. Chapter 1

A/N: **Don't own Naruto.**

Ch. 1: Lesson #1

"Hey you guys!"

"Oh no, who invited him!" shouted Kiba.

"You know you can't start anything with out me!" Just guess who this is…here's a hint, the number one hyperactive knuckleheaded ninja.

"Naruto would you shut up! You are going to spoil everything." Shikamaru said.

"Why are you here? You have Temari already. Isn't this for people who don't have lives yet?" Kiba asked.

"You got a point there." Sasuke said.

"Look I brought the book." Naruto said as he took out a fairly large black book. They all looked at the cover which had no title and then crowded around to see the first page.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Sasuke said as he groaned.

"I don't even know why you are here too. You got plenty of fan girls already." Shikamaru recalled.

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" Naruto shouted. They all looked at him and he was now reading the book. "Lesson #1, guide to get that someone's attention."

"That leaves me out." Sasuke said. They all glared at him and Naruto continued reading.

"Everyone has that certain someone they want. It's just a way to get their attention that's the problem. To do this you must understand the needs of your woman. Follow the first instructions on the next page." Naruto turned the page and there were at least 2 pages of what to do.

"God damn, women are complicated to get." Shikamaru said.

Approach them in a cool manner and just nod while saying "What's up –insert name here-?"

Present them a small token and ask them casually if they want to take a walk.

Comment her of her appearance even if they are god damn ugly. (For that why would you even like an ugly as girl like that?)

…

"Are we really suppose to do this?" asked Kiba.

"That's what it says." Shikamaru said. "I can't believe we're about to do this."

"Then tomorrow we do it." Naruto said and they all nodded.

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"Hey ugly!" a certain pink haired konoichi turned her head angrily and there stood Sai.

"Hi Sai." She said as he stood next to her. "When are you going to stop calling me that?"

"Is everything alright since Sasuke is back?" he changed the subject which made her even angrier. She gave up after trying to punch some sense into him ever since the first retrieval of Sasuke.

"Yeah…he's the same as usual."

"Oh I see, so he's an evil bastard?" Sakura cracked her knuckles and smacked Sai in the head.

"If you ever want to make friends, stop calling them by those names!"

"They are nicknames. I have read that everyone does that." He remarked as he rubbed his head.

"Well here comes the bastard." He said as he looked ahead. Sasuke had his usual hands in his pockets with the occasional whispering from the townsfolk. It wasn't long from his return and many people thought that he deserved to be either executed or at least exiled. They guessed Tsunade was going soft on him because he was supposedly friends with the kyuubi holder. He looked straight ahead at Sakura and walked straight at her.

"What the hell is he doing?" Sakura asked with curiosity and concern. He then stood in front of the too and he looked to Sai.

"Hello evil teme." He said in a casual way. Sasuke just ignored him and looked to Sakura.

"What's up Sakura?" she blushed furiously as the softness of how he said her name. It would have made her melt if it were possible. "Do you mind if we take a walk?" she didn't know what to say but then Sai came in the picture.

"Sakura, you are drooling." She gulped down a mouth full of saliva and smacked Sai with full force of charka sending him flying in the sky. Sasuke twitched with fright after seeing Sakura get angry with so much power. Maybe he should rethink this.

"I'm sorry Sasuke, I would love to walk with you." She said as if it was a dream come true. They walked through the village trying to avoid contact with the people. As soon as they were alone with no eyes to watch did Sasuke turn to Sakura. He took out something from his pocket and then handed it to Sakura. It was a Sakura flower with a red ribbon on it. She felt like she was going to cry and took it with a trembling hand.

"I admired your hair and thought of Sakura flowers. Obviously that is your name also." Sakura tackled Sasuke in a big hug.

"I LOVE IT!"

Sasuke seemed fine with his first try in a relationship but what about the others?

**A/N**: At first I wanted to write this romantic story I so forgot what I should do it about. Sorry but too bad. I got this idea from my cousin and stuff so if it sucks criticize. The more the better. Learn from mistakes…okay that's enough talking from me.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Don't own Naruto

Chapter 2: Lesson 2

Sasuke had some sort of skills to get Sakura's attention that fast but hey, he's an Uchiha. Any who here comes Shikamaru…

"Aww geez." He groaned as he spotted Temari. She had some scrolls in her hands and was walking towards him. _"Do I really have to follow by the book? Well it's worth a shot." _He thought. He put his hands in his pockets and slouched a bit trying to look cool. As Temari was walking up to him she had a 'what the hell' expression. Shikamaru looked like he was born with a leg shorter then the other by 2 inches as he walked over.

"Shikamaru?" she asked nervously.

"What's up Temari?" he said coolly and she sweat dropped.

"Is your foot okay?"

"Why?" he asked.

"When you walked over, it looked like you were limping or something like that…"

"_God damn I knew this wouldn't work!"_ he shouted in his head.

"Nah, I'm fine. Let me help you with those." He tried to take some but she stepped back and put her right hand to her hip.

"What do you want?"

"?"

"You are too lazy to even think of helping me. What do you want?"

"…_HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO ANSWER THAT?" _he practically screamed in his head. He thought for a minute and she just tapped her foot in waiting for an answer. Obviously she was getting annoyed waiting for almost 20 minutes until he answered.

"I don't know." That was a mistake to say because Temari took out her huge ass fan and slammed it on his head. He crashed to the ground with a small crater in the form of his body.

"DON'T WASTE MY TIME! YOU MIGHT BE MY BF BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" she shouted and walked passed his unconscious body.

"_I'm going to kill Naruto."_ He thought as he couldn't move from the crater. _"What the hell I can't move!"_

"Hey where do I put these?" shouted a deliverer.

"Over to the side." Shouted another. The deliverers put a set of boxes down and guess where it was?

"_GOD DAMN HOW TROUBLESOME!" _he said as he couldn't get up.

"Man, I could have thought of some excuse instead of 'I don't know'." Temari said. She stomped towards the hokage office. She walked to the front doors and stopped. She tried to calm herself before she walked in. Who would want to be pissed off in front of a drunken hokage? As she was about to enter, the door opened and there stood Naruto.

"Hey you're Gaara's sister." He said.

"Yeah…can you excuse me?"

"Uhhh, sure?" he said as he held the door. She walked in and he let go of the door. He heard a smack and looked behind him. The door smashed open and Temari held out her fan.

"THAT WASN'T NECESSARY!" she shouted.

"It was an accident!" but it was too late as he was flying the air and to no where. She leaned on her fan and wiped her forehead.

"That felt so good. I guess I owe Naruto for being a stress reliever." She said as she walked back in the building.

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"Sakura packs a punch." Sai said as he rubbed his head. "Ow!" he was still flying in the air and just waited to start falling. All of a sudden, there was screaming and he looked over to a flying figure heading his way. It was yellow and orange but before he could make out what it was, they smashed into each other. They fell straight down into the dirt and twitched in pain.

"God damn, it was an accident." Naruto moaned.

"Dickless?" Sai asked and Naruto sat up angrily and looked to Sai.

"My name is Naruto!" he shouted angrily holding up a fist. Sai sat up and rubbed his head. There were running footsteps and they looked to Kiba and Akamaru running away from something.

"Naruto I'm going to kill you!" he shouted as he ran by with Akamaru.

"For what?" he shouted back and Sai tapped his shoulder and he turned to look at dozens of dogs running after them with scowling faces.

"Aww geez." He said and the stampede of dogs ran over him and Sai. After the many dogs ran by, they left trails of mud and dirt and who knows what on Sai and Naruto.

"Now why would Kiba want to kill you for that?" Sai asked as he sat up. "Because I will certainly kill you for this." Naruto sat up and looked to Sai.

"I think it's from the book."

"Book?"

"Yep. I found this book and it's a guide to boy girl relationships."

"Why boy girl?" he asked and Naruto lifted his eyebrows. "There are gay relationships also." He was now getting freaked out and backed away slowly. "What?"

"Are you gay?"  
"WHAT!" he shouted angrily.

"Well first of all why are you talking about that stuff?"

"I read in a book about gay relationships." Maybe that was the wrong thing to say because Naruto was freaking out even more. Sai then caught on and stood up. "That's now what I meant!"

"Yeah right!"

"Naruto, I'm not gay!" before he could say anything else, Naruto was running. "God damn!"

"That was close." Kiba panted.

"ARF!"

"Hey don't blame me, it was all Naruto's fault!" they were both in a tree near the river all wet. They had to lose their sense of smell so the dogs would go away. "Man I shouldn't have told you that stuff."

"Arf…bark."

"Akamaru don't blame yourself, you wanted that stuff though…"

"BARK!"

"I didn't make fun of you. And besides, those dogs wouldn't have chased us if you didn't hit on their mates."

"BARK BARK BARK!" Akamaru then jumped out of the tree and started to run.

"Akamaru, don't leave, I'm sorry." He shouted as he ran after his dog.

(A/N: This section sounded so much like a fighting couple…moving on.)

Night at the training ground0000000

"NARUTO!"

"Hey, why are you blaming me?"

"You're the one who told me that this was going to work out!" Kiba shouted. "Akamaru is not talking to me anymore." It was silent and Naruto stepped back a bit.

"Kiba, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Akamaru wanted some advice to getting a mate…" he then realized what he just said and then pointed to them both. "You guys are sick!"

"Dude, you made it sound sick!" Naruto shouted back. "Hey…have you guys seen Shikamaru?"

"Not since last night." Sasuke said.

"Well what ever, time for the second lesson." Naruto said as he took out the black book. He set it down and they huddled around.

"Kiba, why are you still here if all that advice was for Akamaru?" Sasuke asked.

"…In case he…wants to go at it again." He said after a few pauses.

"Lesson #2: Making sure she is right for you.

Take a good look at her…I mean real good. Check if she has your impression of the best.

If you get the chance use your chance to get bits of skin onto yours.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" they shouted.

"So this is why you hate Naruto." They all looked up to Sai.

"Hey gay guy." Naruto said.

"For the last time I am not gay!" he shouted.

"You guys, it's the middle of the night and you are yelling equals what?" Sasuke scolded and Naruto sat there pondering the question. The rest just ignored him and they looked at the book while explaining to Sai what was happening.

"So you have no skill of obtaining women?"

"I guess you can put it that way." Kiba said.

"I thought you said you were doing this for Akamaru?" Sasuke said and Kiba turned red.

"I am it's just-uh you misunderstand I am perfectly capable of getting a mate it's just."

"Shut up already we get it." Naruto shouted. "And it equals trouble."

"DUH!" they all shouted back.

**A/N: Okay I changed the rating cause I just realize that it would be funnier like this. At least that's the advice I got from a friend so I hope it's long enough for you. My brain is like a disincarnated piece of toast… **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** **Don't own Naruto.**

Chapter 3: Lesson 3

"I still don't get where Shikamaru could have gone." Naruto said. "Oh well, he missed the second lesson and it's time to work my new found learning." He rubbed his hands together with a big grin and couldn't wait to find Hinata.

"Now where is she?" Naruto said as he peered around for Hinata.

"N-N-Naruto?" he turned around but no one was there.

"Must have been my imagination. Now where is she?"

"N-N-Naruto, who are you l-looking for?" he turned around again and scratched his head.

"Who is saying that?"

"I'm right here." he turned his attention to the building corner and saw Hinata hiding.

"Hinata, what's up?" he asked with a smile. She all of a sudden fell to the floor bright red all over. "Was it something I said?" he knelt over and poked her in the cheek. After a few minutes he started to do it with a stick.

"_Wait a second, this is the chance to do the second lesson."_ He looked around quickly to see if anyone was around. No one turned up and he smiled with a grin. He reached to her but then retracted and shook his head furiously. _"Am I really going to turn into Ero-sanin?"_ he thought for a quick second and was touching Hinata.

Hinata's eyes flickered and she opened them slowly.

"_What is this feeling? Did Naruto say my name? Something is tickling my leg."_ She looked up to Naruto with his hand at her shins and slowly making its way up.

"N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NARUTO!" he looked up and she instinctively used her Gentle Fist and Naruto lay there unconscious. She then looked to him and grabbed his leg. "I finally have him." And she dragged him in the dirt smiling.

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"Five thousand two hundred and sixty one bottles of sake on the wall, five thousand two hundred and sixty one bottles of sake. Take one down, pass it around, five thousand two hundred and sixty bottles of sake on the wall." Shikamaru was still stuck under crates of now known as sake. He had to fill his stomach somehow so he stabbed the crate hard with his kunai and was drenched in sake. "Hic Man I can relate to Tsunade-sama drinking so much sake. Hic."

"Hey, bring the sake over to the office!" yelled someone.

"Hai!"

"Finally I'm getting out of here." Shikamaru goggled and the crates were slowly being moved. It must have been hours and he still wasn't out yet. "What the hell is taking so long?"

The crates on Shikamaru were on the thousands and they were still take the boxes from the very far end…he's going to be stuck a bit longer.

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"Sasuke is mine! Muahahahahahahahaha!"

"SHUT UP SAKURA!"

"You're just jealous Ino." She teased. Ino turned around pissed with crossed arms.

"Hello Ms. Lovely." She looked up to Sai and then devilishly to Sakura.

"Sai you know my name is Ino." She said slyly.

"By the way here." he took out a very small box and she was smiling of triumph, being that Sakura was now glaring at her and surprise.

"Sai, what could it be?" she said as she took the box and opened it. Her face drained of color to snow white. Sakura looked over and fell backwards laughing like there was no tomorrow.

"Is something wro-"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF SOMETHING IS WRONG? YOU JUST HANDED ME A FREAKING CONDEM? DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS?" All Sai did was scratch his head and just look at her.

"I thought that was all girls would like to have." Ino was already cracking her knuckles and he just sighed waiting for impact. Apparently the punches from Sakura got him use to things like this. He was soon flying with his cheek bashed in and Ino yelling furiously. Sakura was still enjoying this and had tears falling from her eyes.

"Shut up Sakura!" she shouted.

"It's…too…hilarious!" she laughed out hitting the dirt and clutching her stomach.

"What the hell?" Ino looked up and was dreamed faced.

"Sasuke, how are you?" Ino asked sweetly.

"What's up with Sakura?" he asked as he pointed down to her.

"Oh she has a laughing fit." He lifted an eyebrow.

"From what?" she smiled nervously and had to think of something quickly not to embarrass herself.  
"Just a joke Sai played." She said.

"What ever." He just looked to Sakura and felt amused. Seeing someone laughing so hard amused him so. He felt like laughing himself but knew it would wreck his image.

"Sasuke, what do you want with Sakura anyway?" Ino asked.

"To give her something." From these four words did Sakura stop and shot up wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Hi Sasuke!" she said excitedly practically jumping up and down. He took out a red box and Ino watched with fury as Sakura took it and opened it. It was then her turn to turn ghost pale and Ino looked over. She spat out laughing and snorting fitting her name as Ino-pig.

"Girls want this right?" Sakura dropped the box with the condom falling out and blue chakra formed over her right fist.

"_Sasuke_!" she yelled. Her voice echoed through the whole village and a small speck went flying into the sky. "YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE SO RUBBING OFF NARUTO!" Obviously she was screaming out of anger at Sasuke who couldn't hear anything being an unconscious body flying into the sky.

"_Look…I'm flying."_ Sasuke thought as he flew across Konoha. Apparently he was losing his mind. One thing that was clear across his forehead was. "NARUTO!"

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"Akamaru, what did you do?" Akamaru was bruise and whimpering in pain. "Don't tell me you did it." He nodded and Kiba frowned. "Oh boy. And you mean to say that you offered to be the mate and then."

"ARF!"

"The largest dog you ever seen was there." He said and tried not to laugh. Akamaru growled at him and turned around. Snapping his tail at his face. "Hey!"

"ARF!"

"You don't have to be so upset about it, you will find someone." Akamaru lifted one ear and looked Kiba in the eyes.

"Arf, arf, arf." Kiba stood up angrily.

"What do you mean I have no better chance?" he shouted.

"BARK!"

"You little-!" Akamaru pounced on them and were tackling each other…moving on.

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"Ugh, where am I? Last thing I remember was that I was with Hinata…wait HINATA!" Naruto sat up and it was completely dark except the bit of light from the bottom of a door. He put his hand in front of him and touched the doorknob. He turned it and the door slowly went open. There sat a neat well put room and he walked out dizzily. "Where the hell am I? What ever, I'm getting out of here." he turned to the window and slid it open. He jumped out and ran for dear life. On the other hand, the other door slid open and Hinata came in with scissors. She closed the door behind her and looked to her closet wide open. The wind sent a chilling air and she frowned.

"I didn't get my strand of hair yet." She said as tears fell from her eyes. "My scrapbook of Naruto-kun is still incomplete!"

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"NARUTO!"

"What?"

"What kind of book is this!" shouted Sasuke.

"God damn because of this I got sick from sake!" Shikamaru shouted. They just looked at him. "Long story."

"Hey I just found this book and it said it would be some help to the girls and stuff." Naruto said as he took it out.

"This book has brought pain." Sai said as he put his hand to the big bandage on his cheek.

"From this Akamaru is refusing to be my partner anymore." Kiba growled.

"Yo." They all jumped to Kakashi looking over their shoulders.

"Kakashi-sensei, what are you doing here?" Naruto asked nervously.

"What's that behind your back?" he asked.

"Nothing." They all said and he lifted his eyes to the side.

"That looks like my book."

"Your book?" Naruto asked as he put it to the front and looked at it. It was suddenly in Kakashi's arms hugging like there was nothing like it.

"Naruto I owe you for finding my Icha Icha Relation book." He said happily. They were silent and turning pale.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ICHA ICHA RELATION BOOK?" they all roared and Kakashi opened the cover. He started to take out the black cover to an orange front and held it to their faces.

**Icha Icha Relation Book**

**By: Jiraiya the Hermit**

**Note:** This book is for only observation reading to the Icha Icha Paradise books on how they take relationships only in the book. Real life situations are not to be acted on this book. Thanks for reading. 

As soon as they finished reading, they turned pale and fell back on the ground at the same time.

"Oh well, now to find out how Sota got the native girl." Kakashi sat down and put his hand to his mouth chuckling.

**A/N: I made this a short story…well sort of I guess. I'm planning to maybe, MAYBE do a KakaSaku story but that's only a maybe. I want to know if people actually want these kinds of stories or not. If not I will just change it to what the people want. POWER TO THE PEOPLE. Just comment back and say yes or no. Thanks for reading my first story!**


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